I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
