Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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