if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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