Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
