you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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