i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
