got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize