Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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