he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
i've created a new STD.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
