it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
