Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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