I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
