He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
