I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
