Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
