So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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