this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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