matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
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