i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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