So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
