You're my little dorito
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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