I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
