Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize