I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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