She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
