I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
