You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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