A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
