The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Randomize
