well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
