glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
