i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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