well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
