I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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