I can text with my tongue
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
