CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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