My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
