Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
