At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
