can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
