Will you blow on my dice?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
