I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
