I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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