you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i just made my gag reflex go away.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
