I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
