Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
