She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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