i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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