smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
