Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
