There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize