He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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