Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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