I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
