My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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