My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
