Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Do you have feelings for this penis?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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