im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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