i think i scared a bird with my dick
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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