Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
