you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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