I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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