The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
