I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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