he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize