just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
