so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
