Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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