phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
