You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
